I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
