i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
