So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
