I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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