Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
