I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
