I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
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Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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