omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
