My sheets look like a crime scene.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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