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god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and i looked up. we had an audience...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
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