sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
