So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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