he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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