I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
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I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."