You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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