saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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