I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
