Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
