I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
