Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
