note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
