I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
