20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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