You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
