party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
