i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
