Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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