i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
