The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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