If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
