My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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