After last night, I could never be a politician.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
