So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
