i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
