i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.