i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
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I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...