dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts