I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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