So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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