Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Drake has all the answers
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
