guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My bed smells like the plague
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
