Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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