I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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