NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
