I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
