so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
