I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
