dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
