Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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