Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
