hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
