we're chasing vodka with high fives
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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