I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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