i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
