Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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