Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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