I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
