I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
