I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
