is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
