dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i drank out of a bidet.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
