he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
