I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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