Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
